Tuesday, November 15, 2016

The Intermittent Zombie Apocalypse

Last night, I slept like a rock.  On the outside, I must have looked peaceful as hell.  Hell indeed!  In my mind I experienced the Intermittent Zombie Apocalypse.  Intermittent you ask?

I was in the backyard of my parent's house probably enjoying some yardwork with my dad.  It was a sunny summer afternoon and I felt very relaxed.  Suddenly I see my usually calm neighbor burst out.  I stop to wave hi, but he barely notices me.  He's frantically nailing planks of scrapwood on all his windows.  It looked hilarious and reminded me of a cartoon character rapidly building a house.  My dad puts a hand to his head, "I shoot! it's almost 6 o clock!" I see him nail two boards onto our back door before he drops the hammer and runs into the house.  What the hell is going on?

As the sun dips behind the adjacent house, I begin to see slow-moving people climbing over our backyard fence.  Zombies! Using all my Walking Dead and World War Z knowledge, I nail one more board onto a window and run into the house.  I grab the nearest thing I can find, a chair.  By then one of Them have already broken into the house.  "Broken" is hardly the right word to use here.  Nothing was in their way.  I take the chair and start swinging and stabbing at Them1.  As with all physical fights in my dreams I do Zero damage.  I might as well be brushing Them1 with a feather.

I abandon my chair tactic and look for something that can deal more damage.  I'm running aimlessly around the house.  To buy myself more time I find myself in the farthest corner of the house: my brother's room.  I grab the metal music stand, and imagine a trident on one end and a rectangular blade on the other.  Hiyah! Swing! Swipe! Smash! I wait for blood to spray....but alas, nothing.  All of a sudden They all disappear, but the house is trashed.  It's 9 o clock and I can't believe I spent 3 hours gently nudging Them one by one.  Relieved, I go back to sleep.

Suddenly it's the next day probably 5:30pm.  This time we're prepared.  I'm back in the yard again.  I turn around to look at the house, and there are 500 planks of wood completely covering the backside of the house.  The sun dips behind our adjacent neighbor's two-storyhouse.  I see a hand clasp over the top of our backyard fence.  *Auuhghoouhggggg* *oowoeeuugheae* *ding-ding-diiiing* *brinngading dingg*

I slowly open my eyes and wake up to another nightmare. It's 5am in the morning and I have to wake up to drive to work.

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